You Know Self-Love Matters, But Are You Practicing?

Is your world feeling too fast, too full, too frantic? Are you ready to quit all your commits and move to a remote island and lounge about for days just so you can recharge? Or maybe you're feeling isolated... Another failed relationship, another day at your unfulfilling job, or maybe those fears about finding your purpose are keeping you up again at night.

To state the obvious, it can be super hard to care for yourself and really love on yourself when the world is spinning too fast, or your life doesn't feel satisfying. I'm here with a gentle reminder that leaning into the discomfort, being curious about it, and learning how to love it is a skill we can all benefit from having.

The truth is, life is hard. And most of us are struggling with some sense of lack, insecurity, fear or hopelessness.

And while there's no quick fix for being human, there is something that will help you build resilience for the tough times and increase your capacity to fully feel and enjoy the good times. The practice? Self-love.

What is Self-Love?

Self-love is all about how well you know yourself, trust yourself and turn towards yourself no matter what is happening in your life. Self-love is not about feeling butterflies and rainbows for yourself at all times and never having a negative thought about yourself.

Self-love isn't a thing you have or don't have..self-love is a practice.

The Practice of Self-Love

Self-love is all about learning how to love yourself. In practice, this means being present with yourself and engaging in deep self-reflection. By doing so, you can better understand your thoughts, feelings, experiences, and needs as your life unfolds.

This could be as simple as recognizing when you are thirsty and getting yourself a drink, or recognizing your boundaries have been crossed and ending a relationship to take care of yourself.

Is Self-Love Selfish?

At the heart of self-love, is the capacity for recognizing and tending to your own needs. And for those of you thinking that it's selfish....listen up! When your cup is full, you can’t pour into others. The cliche is true! If you deplete and deny yourself repeatedly, over time you will burnout and no longer be able to love others in the way you desire. Self-love is all about having boundaries with your energy and prioritizing yourself enough of the time (not every single time) so that you are capable of loving others too.

Self-love is the practice of caring for your own needs and happiness. It's about accepting yourself fully, both your strengths and imperfections. This isn't just about pampering yourself with bubble baths and spa days; it's about nurturing your mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical well-being every day.

Why is Self-Love So Important?

Self-love forms the foundation upon which we build our lives. When we truly value and care for ourselves, we create a positive inner dialogue that helps us navigate challenges with grace. It fosters resilience, allowing us to bounce back from setbacks and face life's hurdles with a sense of hope and determination. Moreover, self-love influences how we interact with others; it enables us to establish healthier boundaries and engage in more fulfilling relationships. When we are at peace with ourselves, we radiate that energy outward, attracting like-minded individuals and experiences. This cycle of positivity is essential for cultivating a joyful and authentic life, thus making self-love not just a personal benefit, but a communal one as well.

Remember, the journey to self-love is not a linear path. It requires patience, compassion, and understanding towards ourselves as we navigate the various ups and downs. Embracing this journey can lead to profound transformations in how we perceive ourselves and interact with the world around us.

Is Self-Love Different From Self-Care?

While self-care and self-love are often used interchangeably, they represent distinct concepts that are integral to our overall well-being. Self-care refers to the tangible actions we take to maintain or improve our health, such as regular exercise, following a nutritious diet, or setting aside time for spiritual practices or relaxation. It’s the external manifestation of our commitment to ourselves, it's all about what we do to care for ourselves. On the other hand, self-love is much deeper; it encompasses the attitudes, beliefs, and feelings we hold about ourselves. It's about cultivating a positive self-image and a deeper acceptance of who we are, beyond our achievements or external validation.

Self-love is all about how we feel, not what we do.

When you approach your life with self-love, you inherently promote a mindset that supports self-care practices. You begin to recognize that you deserve to take care of yourself, not just in a reactive manner during times of stress, but as a proactive measure to nurture your physical, mental, spiritual, and emotional health. So, while self-care is essential, it becomes more powerful and meaningful when rooted in a foundation of self-love. Embracing this journey allows you to treat yourself with compassion, understanding, and a sense of worthiness that enhances every aspect of your life. It’s a mutually beneficial cycle where self-love fuels self-care and self-care reinforces self-love, creating a sweet synergy of more love, more nurturing, and more ease.

What Are The Benefits of Self-Love?

Supports Mental Health + Wellness

Self-love plays a crucial role in supporting your mental health. As you learn to treat yourself with kindness and compassion, you will start to change your brain. Over time, learning to be kind and loving with yourself, even when it's hard, can reduce stress and overwhelm, and reduce symptoms of anxiety and depression. Once you learn how to prioritize your Self and your well-being, you'll notice that life's challenges become easier to handle, and your confidence soars. Instead of reaching for chocolate and wine at the end of a hard day, you might find yourself reading, or doing a guided yoga nidra practice before bed.

Improves Communication, Intimacy, and Relationships

Let's start with the obvious: when you know how to love yourself, you can let others know how you expect to be treated. And for anyone who doesn't have the capacity to love you in the ways you need, it will be easier to say no to that friendship or relationship because you know that you can meet your own needs.  Over time, it becomes easier to be discerning about which relationships you pursue and which ones don't get past the first date.  With your newfound confidence comes more easeful communication because you trust yourself more, are more attuned to your inner wisdom, and can express yourself without fear of crumbling if someone disagrees with you or even rejects you.

Promotes Personal Growth

Self-love encourages personal growth by increasing your capacity for self-inquiry, shadow work and excavating unconscious programming that no longer serves you. It help you be more fearless, encouraging pursuit of your personal goals and dreams with less fear of failure. When you believe in yourself, you're more likely to take the necessary steps to achieve your aspirations, instead of waiting for an ideal time when you feel 'ready'. Moreover, self-love allows you to embrace your imperfections and mistakes as opportunities for growth, rather than seeing them as failures.

Helps You Connect With Your Intuition

When you start loving yourself more, you'll bump right into that still small voice in your heart known as your intuition. This is the seat of your soul. Once you learn how to access your inner wisdom, you'll find it's available to you at all times, a steady resource and tool you can use as you navigate this wild ride of life.

The practice of self-love invites you into a deeper place within yourself, beyond the thinking mind, beyond the endless chatter of the ego and beyond the suffering we endure in this human experience. And while it's not possible (nor desirable) to try and transcend these very real human experiences, the practice of self-love helps to soften the edges of these experiences.

Your intuition is there, offering insight, wisdom, and guidance. As you get to know yourself, trust yourself, and love yourself, it becomes easier to listen to this voice and trust the guidance being offered.

The result? More peace, more ease, more trust in the flow of life, and a deeper desire to learn and grow from tough experiences (rather than blaming yourself).

Ready to love yourself and your life? Our therapists can help!

How Can I Practice Self-Love?

If you've made it this far, you're probably ready to dive into some self-love practices. I'm all about practicality and taking things that might seem too simple or obvious, and then grounding them into real life in an impactful way. I truly believe that self-love and self-care don't have to be complicated or time-consuming to work. And because sustainable change happens slowly over time, and not all in one big swoop, the best way to make changes in your life is to start with doing something new for at least 5 minutes a day. This is a great way to trick your brain into doing something new without sounding the alarm bells of change that sometimes happen when we try to make big changes in our lives.

Below, you'll find some of my favorite personal practices for cultivating self-love.

Self-Love Practices

Start Your Day with Intentional Stillness

Begin your day with five minutes of intentional stillness. This practice sets the tone for your day - encouraging presence, patience, and self-compassion. When you start off with spaciousness and slowness, you tell your mind and body how you want to feel for the day. And you'll be more likely to be in alignment with your intuition. Whether it's through meditation, journaling, or simply sitting quietly, this time is a gift to yourself.

Write a Love Letter to Your Inner Child (AKA how to reparent yourself)

Writing a love letter to your inner child is a powerful exercise in self-compassion. Don't think too hard about the practice...you can start by letting your mind wander as you think about your past. Find a younger version of yourself, maybe you at 7 years old, or 14. Start writing. You can write about a specific memory from that time, any feelings that come up, or simply wonder about what little you is feeling. See if there are any words or acknowledgment that this younger part of you needs to here; sometimes the simple act of witnessing your younger self is enough to bring relief, tears, or a long exhale. Practice daily.

Mindful Eating and Drinking

Today, take a moment to focus your attention on your body, thoughts, and emotions while you eat and drink. Observe your pace—can you slow down just a little? Savor the tastes, textures, aromas, and flavors of your food. Cultivate curiosity about what you truly need in this moment, and explore ways to fulfill your own nourishment needs.

If you want to dive deeper, check out my Self-Love guide:

Inside you’ll find practices for learning how to deeply love and care for yourself, so you can experience more calm, more ease and more love in your life. Written by a holistic psychotherapist (me!), this guide includes actionable + practical steps you can take to fold self-love into your daily life. Drop your email below to get the guide!

Support For Your Self-Love Healing Journey

I hope you are feeling inspired and ready to love yourself just a little bit more today.

And a gentle reminder: Self-love is not a destination but a continuous journey. It's about treating yourself with a little more kindness, a little more compassion, and a little more respect every single day. Sometimes the beginning of the practice looks like just noticing how you treat yourself, even if it's hard to be kind or loving.

Gentleness, kindness and patience is at the heart of a self- love healing journey. Last time I checked, no one healed any faster by bullying themselves. It's ok to move slow, it's ok to be frustrated, it's ok to take it one step at a time.

I truly believe that committing to get to know yourself, and love yourself, bit by bit and moment to moment will slowly but surely transform your life over time. As you deepen into self-love, you can have more compassion for others when you see them acting out of self-sabotage instead of self-love. And you'll understand what your deeper needs are and learn how to get them met (by yourself and by others).

Healing? Transformation? Growth? It's all possible.

If you are looking for personalized support, we'd love to help. Here at The Holistic Counseling Center, our licensed therapists specialize in helping people just like you, step out of the chaos of life as you know it, and really learn how to love yourself.

If you’re ready for support on your self love journey, we are accepting new clients for online therapy. If you're in Northern California, we offer in-person therapy at our offices in San Francisco and El Dorado Hills (near Folsom and Sacramento).

Book a free consultation call to learn more about our services and take the next step on your self-love journey today.

We look forward to being a part of your healing journey!

References

Burris, K. (2024). How to Love Yourself More: A Guide To Self-Love From A Holistic Therapist. www.theholisticcounseling.center/self-love-guide

Doyle, G. (2021). Untamed: Stop Pleasing, Start Living. The Dial Press.

Neff, K. (2021). Fierce Self-Compassion: How Women Can Harness Kindness to Speak Up, Claim Their Power, and Thrive. HarperOne.

About the author

Kim Burris, MA, LMFT is a licensed psychotherapist, founder of The Holistic Counseling Center, and author of ‘The First 90 Days After Birth.’ Her work has been featured in Vogue, Bustle and the Daily Om. 

She offers evidence-based psychotherapy that honors the mind, body, spirit connection and helps people find relief from anxiety and self-sabotage so they can live life with more joy, freedom and ease.

Kim and her team currently offer holistic counseling to individuals, couples, moms and teens. Click HERE to book a no-cost consultation call.

PS. Are we connected on Instagram? Come find me at @kim.burris.psychotherapy.