If you're on a healing journey, you're probably familiar with the term 'self-sabotage' and often struggle with the shame and self-defeating energy it brings to your life. But what exactly does it mean? More importantly, why do we find ourselves caught in its cycle, even when we're deeply committed to our own well-being and healing?

If you've ever found yourself taking two steps forward only to take three steps back, know that you're not alone—and more importantly, it's not your fault. Self-sabotage is never a conscious choice! It’s deeply rooted in your unconscious programming and happens on auto-pilot. I’m here to let you know that learning to uncover these deep rooted behaviors and change them is totally possible! As a licensed holistic psychotherapist I want to demystify this concept of self-sabotage and provide you with practical tools you can start using today on your healing journey.

Understanding Self-Sabotage

I want you to know that self-sabotage isn't a reflection of your strength, willpower, or value as a person. It's actually a sign that there are unmet needs within you, struggling to be expressed. When these needs remain unconscious, your brain—ever the creative problem solver—attempts to meet them in ways that might not align with your conscious desires.

This process isn't about weakness; it's about an unconscious pattern that once served you well but is no longer helpful. Imagine a younger version of yourself trying to take the wheel of your life, operating based on outdated maps and tools. This part of you doesn't sabotage your efforts out of malice but out of an attempt to fulfill needs that were once crucial for your emotional survival.

The Path to Healing Self-Sabotage

Healing the unconscious chaos that is self-sabotage begins with compassion—self-compassion, to be precise. It's about gently acknowledging that every part of you, even the parts that engage in self-sabotage, deserves compassionate inquire, kindness and tender loving care. Here are some practices you can use on your healing journey:

Cultivate Self-Compassion

Self-compassion is foundational for healing. It means treating yourself with the same kindness, concern, and support you'd offer a good friend. When you notice self-sabotaging behaviors, approach them with curiosity rather than judgment. This shift in perspective opens the door to deeper understanding and change. Shower yourself with more love, and less shame.

Develop an Inquiry Practice

Inquiry practices such as stream of consciousness journaling, meditation, and mindfulness can help you uncover the underlying needs and emotions that might be driving your self-sabotaging behaviors. These practices offer a way to access your unconscious programming, and can help you form a relationship with the parts of yourself that have been ignored or suppressed. They allow you to uncover the root causes of your behaviors and to understand what your inner self truly needs.

You might have heard of IFS therapy, which is a therapy modality that helps you get to know your internal family system, all your inner parts that are often unconsciously running the show. All of our therapists are trained in IFS and would love to support you with this work. You can book a free consultation call to get started.

Engage in Inner Child Work

Your self-sabotaging behaviors are often attempts to protect or fulfill the needs of your inner child—the younger you who experienced hurt, fear, or neglect. Connecting with and nurturing your inner child can help heal past wounds and change how you respond to current challenges.

Practice Reparenting Yourself

Reparenting involves giving yourself the care, guidance, and support you may not have received in the past. It's about creating a nurturing inner dialogue and environment that supports your growth and well-being. Reparenting helps you develop healthy coping mechanisms and a secure foundation of self-worth.

Increase Your Capacity for Self-Regulation

Developing emotional and physical self-regulation skills is crucial for managing stress, anxiety, and other intense emotions that can trigger self-sabotage. Techniques such as deep breathing, mindfulness, and grounding exercises can enhance your ability to stay present and make choices that align with your well-being.

You Are Not Broken—Healing Is Possible

Remember, you are not broken, just human. And being human is hard. Self-sabotage is a sign that your unconscious needs are ready to be tended to and cared for. With patience, compassion, and dedicated practice, you can transform your relationship with yourself and step into a life where your actions align with your deepest values and aspirations. And you don't have to do it alone!

Self-Sabotage Therapy at The Holistic Counseling Center

Here at The Holistic Counseling Center our licensed therapists can help you unravel from the chaos of self-sabotage and finally heal.

If you’re ready for support on your healing journey, our therapists are accepting new clients for in-person sessions at our office in El Dorado Hills, as well as for virtual sessions for anyone in California.

To get started, schedule a free consultation call to speak with our intake coordinator. On our call, we’ll discuss logistics, what kind of therapy we offer, match you with one of our awesome therapists and if it feels good, you can schedule your first therapy session! 

Find out more about our team HERE and more about our fees HERE.

We look forward to being a part of your healing journey!

-KimBurris, LMFT

About the author

Kim Burris, LMFT is a licensed holistic psychotherapist, founder of The Holistic Counseling Center, and author of ‘The First 90 Days After Birth.’

She honors the mind, body, spirit connection and offers evidence-based psychotherapy with a heart centered approach that helps people find relief from anxiety and self-sabotage so they can live life with more joy, freedom and ease.

Kim and her team currently offer holistic counseling to individuals in El Dorado Hills, CA and online. Click HERE to book a no-cost consultation call.